Rambling, path to insanity, et cetera

Right now, I have eight weeks left until I get to go back to Las Cruces. It's funny because last summer all I could think of was coming back to Pullman to spend time with Amy and Jordan. But now, all I can think about is going back to New Mexico. Back to Marie, and Thea, and Alex. Back to my puppy, where I have a car and freedom. Where I spend hours on end in a cafe, sipping chai and reading great literature. So what's the change? Right now there are so many people I love back home, and so few up here. In Pullman, there's Nikki. Just Nikki. Back home...there's so much more. And the one person I really want to see right now? She's hundreds of miles south of here, and hundreds of miles north of Cruces.
She was able to pick up her things and move down there--she had that wanderlust, the ability to let go and follow her ambition. And she might very well stay there, right where I can't get to. And me? I've lost that wanderlust. I've become too dependent. I used to be able to get up and follow my ambition, but why can't I any more?
I'm afraid of what I'll be leaving behind. Sure, the initial plunge into the future is no good. It's scary, and uncomfortable...lonely and miserable. But it gets better. However, I'm worried that I will lose contact with the people from my past. Sure, we'll email, call one another, and maybe visit every so often. But those connection might dwindle as time goes on until they're all but extinguished. And I certainly don't want that.

Current Mood: pensive

I'm becoming more and more disenchanted with my current living situation. Some days, I feel like I'm going to be trapped in the dorms forever. I know I only have a year until graduation...but, it seems so much longer. I'm not sure how much more I can take this; when I used to imagine my life in college, this is nothing like I pictured it would be. Sometimes I feel like I'm really not living my life to its fullest potential, and that scares me to death. Mabey that's a stupid thing to worry about. But some days when I brows around peoples' facebook profiles, I see all these great photos of them living life, and I instantly become jealous. Again, I realize how stupid these feelings are, but I can't really help it. Meh. I need a serious change. My room needs a makeover...hell, I need a makeover.

I'm not an impulsive person. It's a characteristic that my mother has instilled in me; when I was a kid, I had to provide a detailed schedule of events before I could go anywhere: where I was going, who I'd be with, when I'd return, etc. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could ever just simply happen on a whim. That's why I can't really explain the way I'm currently feeling, except that after months of finding order, I'm ready to try taking a stab at chaos again.
I don't know, maybe Demi is partially to blame for this sudden spark of adventure-seeking. I just feel like I've recently been cloistering myself away, and not living my life to its fullest. On some level I suppose I'm afraid that is exactly the case, and it really bothers me to think that I'm wasting what time was given to me. I'd probably feel better about the whole thing if I were a bit more devoted to my studies, but then I'd be living the life I had in high school--all work and no play make Sonia a boring twit, right?
In general, things have been getting a lot better for me. I haven't cut myself since early September, I'm out of my spiral of self-hatred, and I have an overall sunny disposition--it seems like my depression is almost over. So, now it's time to start living, right? I suddenly have all these desires to go dancing, to attend multiple parties, get slightly tipsy, and flirt shamelessly with either guys or girls, I really don't care any more. (Does that make me a bad lesbian, or bisexual, or what? Screw the labels, I say! I don't care about them much anymore). I just really want to have a good time, and really want to...well, I guess experiment a bit with my...hmm, I don't want to say "sexuality," because that would imply having sex, which I'm not ready for (but want desperately). But, I suppose "sexual orientation" works. Regardless of what I call it, I want to start opening those doors, and lowering my inhibitions.
And so, there are really two people that pose curious options to me right now. There's this Travis fellow, who in many ways I'm fond of, and then there's Shelly. Granted, I don't really know if either of them will ever, y'know, do anything of this sort with me, but I figure I'd better let them play out, and see what comes of what. Knowing my luck, both will come to no such end...
And now I just feel like I'm being creepy, pseudo-plotting out future flirtations. Oi, I don't know. Maybe my hormones are being wonky again, or something along those lines. I don't really know. But one thing's certain: I need some mayhem and crazy adventure.

Current Location: my room
Current Mood: naughty
Current Music: Shiny Toy Guns

Usually when people say “lose inhibition,” they envision someone getting drunk; the alcohol drives them to loosen up, and remove themselves from all these social and personal restraints. Sometimes, however, our natural inhibitions can do damage. They can prevent us from being ourselves—hold us back and retard our ability to socially function. Sometimes I try to count how much time I’ve lost. Back in high school I spent so much time hiding myself from my friends that I ended up pushing my friends away. When I came to college, I assumed my past was behind me, and that I’d never have to deal with it again. I stopped talking to the people back in Las Cruces, and that distanced me even further. I never had any close friends before college, because I never opened the door to let them in. Now that I do have close friends, I feel like I’m distancing them through other means.
There’s this compulsion to let them in now, to talk to my friends about my problems—to let them know about my depression. Maybe I should be carrying these burdens alone; perhaps by sharing them I distance myself from those I love. But, by keeping it all bottled up, I achieve the same ends. I don’t want to be a burden to others, and I don’t want my relationships to be defined by my problems and my depression. Those are both some of my inhibitions, along with shyness, and a continuing battle against my biological past…fighting off those old feelings that there was something wrong with me. Consciously, I’ve finally realized that all those things are lies, and that they do not reflect on me. But, regardless of how many times I can consciously say these things are not true, they still exist in my subconscious as inhibitions.
In high school I used to get secretly jealous of a lot of my friends because they had all these amazing anecdotes about random mayhem they wreaked with other people, and I felt completely left out. I was at home, doing calculus, or French, or chemistry homework. And now, sitting here in my lonely room in McEachern, I think back to my first year, and all the stories people had—everything that went on in the cluster, et cetera. It all went on without me, and I wish I could have been a part of all of that, but my inhibitions kept me away. And I don’t want to be that person any more. I want to claim my clandestine, enigmatic beauty and, to put it simply, just have fun with the people I care most about. Build more memories. I suppose I’m on my way to being that person already, but I still have those inhibitions to lose.
Right now, though, I just feel so weird that I'm losing track of everything that's ever happened to me--everything's becoming a blur. My mind has decided to try to play tricks on me again, and convince me that those closest to me really hate me. I've decided to completely attack those thoughts logically, and for once in my life, I'm winning a logical argument with myself (which is a lot better than what I used to do). Just right now it seems like I'm waiting for the past, and I can't do that. I need to think about all these trials I've been through, and stop focusing on what I've lost and realize what all I have gained. I've changed so much in the past year--I have not yet even begun to live as myself for a full year yet; I'm still trying to adjust to this, and I'm still going through this trial. I think part of the problem is I expect this whole "trial" to magically disappear overnight, and I want all the past to realign with what I feel today, but that would just discredit this entire journey. I tell myself that I need a significant other, that I needed to be a part of all those memories from the past...I've been forgetting what I've gained, and what I have now.
Looking down into the future, I'm terrified. I try to keep up this strong facadem but I can't lie to myself. I see the prospective grad school (Minnesota), and I am so scared; I don't want to leave Pullman, because I've become so attatched to everyone here. I don't want to imagine a life where I don't interact with them...I don't want to put myself in a position where I might be unable to even visit them. I look down the path towards my surgery, and I'm frightened to death. There's so much uncertainty there, and honestly I'm scared to death of hospitals. I'm scared that I might end up being alone through the whole process. Everything about the future frightens me, and I don't want to deal with it. But, at the same time, I know the future is, at most, three semesters away.
All these inhibitions have traditionally kept me distant from my friends, but in some cases it seems like an absence of inhibitions would result in the same result. Damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I look at everything I've gained since I started on this road, and I would rather die than lose those things...but, it seems like change is inevitable. Change scares the crap out of me.

Current Location: my room
Current Mood: scared
Current Music: windows media player on shuffle all music

I was talking to my friend, Eleanor Finger, last night about my experience with being a lesbian and transgender on campus, and the conversation evolved into this beautiful discussion about identity. I identify more as a lesbian these days, but due to my biological history my experience in identifying is slightly different from every other lesbian I know. I didn't discover my sexuality, and to a great extent I've only be in the so-called lesbian community for half a year. So, I feel like I'm really running to catch up--like some little kid trying to be included in the big kid games. Everyone else has had the luxury of having had lesbian experiences--they've had girlfriends, they've had sex, etc.
I dunno...I feel like a little angsty teenager whenever I say this, but I'm am sooooo desperate for a girlfriend right now. (I guess that's okay, seeing as technically, I'm still a teenager). But anyhow, all the "good" lesbians I know are already taken (by good, I mean attractive emotionally, mentally, physically, etc.). But wait--where are all the lesbians at? Statistically, one in ten people is gay--so in Pullman there's about 20,000 students, so about 2,000 of them (statistically) should be gay. Assuming a little less than half of those students are female, there should be about 700-900 students at WSU Pullman are lesbian. Where are they all?!?
It's horribly frustrating, because I really really want a girlfriend, and I feel stupid flirting with straight girls, as that gets me nowhere.

Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: Listen to the Rain

A few weeks ago I was having trouble sleeping; I couldn't shut off all the negative thoughts floating around in my head. I was afraid of hurting myself, and so I decided to call the one person I knew would be awake. Liz. Yes, I was still pissed at her for leading me on with her flirting, only to say she had zero interest in me, but I figured any company would be better than sitting alone and potentially doing something I'd later regret. Flash forward to today. Liz emailed me to say that she did not want to be remotely involved with my depression. And, I can understand that...but, I thought she had said she wanted to be my friend. And, it's just cold to leave me...throw it in my face that she doesn't want to be associated with me when I'm already trying to recover from depression.
I needed to talk to someone about this. I needed someone to assure me that things would get better sometime...someone to listen to me, and maybe a shoulder to cry on. So, I figured Amy would be a good person to talk to--she used to always say that I could talk to her whenever. Her door used to be open to me. But now, ever time I try to talk to her she says, "I can't do anything." She basically pushes me away, makes me feel bad for asking. Tells me I'm on my own...and I can't stand to be alone right now.
I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but am I wrong to depend on my friends. I don't ask that people fix my problems...just be there for me.

Current Mood: crushed

Everybody's trying to be somebody
I'm just dying to be myself
I don't know how to keep on fighting
People lying, crying, driving
Everybody off the shelf
Then just watch you as you fall

There's this thing I can't replace
Just trying to face this on my own
Cause it's what I really wanted
You never really know what you've had
Unless it's gone
And it's all been said and done

Time goes by, I still wonder why
Everything changes

All these things I have
All these things I hold
Everything I always wanted
Doesn't really matter, now you're gone
Every word you said
Seems to grow so cold
I never really wanted you to fade
Doesn't really matter, now you're gone

Things have changed
So rearrainged
You're so much better off alone
I thought you should know
Some times I sit and wonder
What things would be like
Had I not flown
Will I ever end up happy

All this time I often wonder
If I was the last to know
Maybe I'm the one who suffers
I guess you can't see where you've been
Until you find out where you're from
Some things you can't forget
And now you know

Time goes by, I still wonder why
Everything changes

All these things I have
All these things I hold
Everything I always wanted
Doesn't really matter, now you're gone
Every word you said
Seems to grow so cold
I never really wanted you to fade
Doesn't really matter, now you're gone

Seasons change
My life falls away
Seasons change
My life falls away

All these things I have
All these things I hold
Everything I always wanted
Doesn't really matter, now you're gone
Every word you said
Seems to grow so cold
I never really wanted you to fade
Doesn't really matter, now you're gone

Current Location: dorm
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Everyday Jones

Where do all these people come from? Suddenly, so many people I knew in high school are coming out of the woodwork and friending me on facebook, IMing me on AIM, and otherwise talking to me as though no time had passed since I left Las Cruces. Pay no mind to the fact that now, I'm the physical manifestation of everything I kept secret from them--everything I lived in fear of them discovering! No, they come out of nowhere with their, "Hey Sonia! How's it going? How's college treating you?" I'm sick of it!
Where were they at any point in my transition? They get to sit back, and pretend like they know me--but this is the first time they've ever SEEN me. So where do they get this sense of familiarity?
It's unfair. Last night, talking to one of my old high school "friends," I found out about all the rumors that were going on about me. There were rumors that I was a gay guy, which I knew about. But, other's thought I was a girl at the time. It's just so frustrating to know that I repressed my feelings and lived in fear, all to protect myself from these very rumors. I could have been me in high school--evidently, everyone expected it. What's worse is the rumors are still circulating. since coming to Washington, so many people starting finding me on myspace; but, instead of talking to me about it, they go around telling people all about me, and the changes in my life, as though they knew everything involved in it.
When did all this become the topic of casual conversation? How dare these people pretend like they know me? It makes me want to scream.

Current Mood: annoyed

I don't understand how I can be so lonely now. Didn't I have people to talk to in every single one of my classes? Didn't I have a great violin lesson with Nikki? (By the way, there's a great story about an F hole here, but now's really not the time to get into it).
I hate playing favorites with my friends, but there are a select few people I really want to be with. I miss them so much right now--I became so close to them last semester that now it hurts not to have them around.
I need a hug.

Current Mood: morose

Well...I'm tired, and I just woke up. I wonder why that is. (Angry sarcasm means "watch out, I'm about to bitch!) I was sleeping soundly, then abruptly at 2am this morning the idiots across the way start yelling and shouting and other wise redundantly make all sorts of noise. Okay, seriously, why do people do this? Do they think it's fun to make as much noise as they possibly can at ungodly hours? Do they really hate sleep that much?
Evidently, they do. At about 2:30am this morning, they decided shouting at each other wasn't being loud enough. No. They needed firecrackers. Yes. All sorts of loud, colorful explosions went off literally right outside my window last night, and before I could go get dressed and beat the hell out of these people, they decided it'd be best to run away. Oi.
MY day didn't get much better when I did wake up (after my alarm woke me). As I go to the bathroom, I stub my toe on the door. Was this any normal stubbing? Well, yes. Yes it was. But, I'm going to pretend that it was something special. See, my door is made of a nice, hard wood; and my toe, for all practical purposes, hardly has any nail to speak of. (So basically it was flesh vs. wood: who will ever win this one, I wonder?) Well, actually we both won. The door, for its part, tore out a huge piece of skin from my poor little pinky; however, my pinky put a nice dent in the wood...albeit, I still think the door came out better.

Anyhoo, today I'm really looking forward to my first ever violin lesson! Yay! I can't wait!

Random tidbit: I'm also REALLY excited for the new EV album on Oct. 3rd!

Current Location: dorm
Current Mood: quixotic
Current Music: Evanescence